So here I sit, 14 years later and I'm missing my little man. I remember that last night vividly, when I allow myself to go there. I remember holding Nicolas in my arms around midnight as we waved good-bye to Daddy. Daddy is a long-distance truck driver and he was headed out on a week-long run. I remember sitting in the rocking chair, roasting my a$$ off because the humidity was so high that night, even after the sun went down.
Nick and I rocked and rocked, I nursed him for about half an hour or so, until he fell asleep in my arms. I sang to him, but then again, I sang to him all the time. He closed his beautiful grey-blue eyes and sighed as he fell asleep.
I walked into our bedroom, laid him down on his back in his cradle beside my own bed, put a receiving blanket over him cuz he liked the way flannel felt against his skin. I rubbed his tummy a little bit and thought to myself how magnificently beautiful he was. I leaned over, kissed his forehead and crawled into bed, exhausted to the bone.
I walked into our bedroom, laid him down on his back in his cradle beside my own bed, put a receiving blanket over him cuz he liked the way flannel felt against his skin. I rubbed his tummy a little bit and thought to myself how magnificently beautiful he was. I leaned over, kissed his forehead and crawled into bed, exhausted to the bone.
Around 1:30 am he woke me up, he was crying and wanted to nurse. Nothing new, he nursed every hour and a half like clock-work. So I picked him up and went out to the arm chair in the living room, passing by his sister Dayle's bedroom, making sure she was still asleep. She was only 4 (almost 5) at the time, and even then she snored. So cute!
So I turned the TV on and gave Nicolas what he wanted. He nursed for maybe 20 minutes and fell asleep again. But he felt so good in my arms so I just sat there cuddling. The puppies were starting to fuss, it was time for them to eat as well (we had 11 puppies a few days before Nick was born) so, still holding Nick, I went out and gave them something to eat and hoped they would settle down fast and go back to sleep. I went back out to the living room and cuddled some more, Nick looking so cute still latched on to my breast, hand over the mole on my left breast that he used as an "On" button to get the milk to flow! LOL
Around 2:30 or 2:45 (somewhere in there), I was starting to fall asleep sitting up in the arm chair so I got up and went back to our bedroom. Again I laid Nicolas down in his cradle and put the flannel blanket by his hand and put a corner of it softly across his belly, then crawled back into bed, wishing for the night I could sleep for three hours in a row.
The next thing I remember is Dayle, my daughter, coming in my room asking if she could watch her favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. I told her it was too early in the morning, thinking it was somewhere around 5am, and asked her to get back in bed for a little while. I rolled over and must have dozed off again because what seemed like seconds later, Dayle came back and asked again if she could watch The Wizard of Oz. I had a really big stretch, revelling in the thought that finally, Nick let me sleep for more than a couple hours and he should be up any second now. I told Dayle to go and put the movie in but to keep it down, I wanted to let her brother sleep as long as possible.
After a few minutes, I started to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and thought I'd better get up, Nick was going to be absolutely STARVING!! I reached over into his cradle to stroke the downy hair on his soft head and he didn't feel right. You all know what comes next, I'm not going to go into gory detail. He was cold. And my nightmare started.
Its been 14 years now. Or it will be in a few hours. Not a day goes by that I don't close my eyes and talk to my son in my head. Very few nights have gone by in the last 14 years that I haven't closed my eyes and wished him a good night, asked him to watch over his sisters and, more recently, his nephew (my first grandchild!). I miss my little man.
I have an amazing life today. Its hard to say that on this particular day. But I really do. I wouldn't be where I am if he had lived. Its a bittersweet thought. Would I trade everything I have now that makes my life so amazing? Just about. Is that selfish? Not really. Because what makes my life so wonderful (most days) are my two daughters, my grandson, my husband. I don't know.
Anyways, I just wanted to tell someone what was going on in my head, in my heart. I don't know what I'm going to do to mark this day yet. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. He'll let me know somehow.
Good Night All. Kiss your husbands/significant others... hold your children, your family, your friends a little tighter... close your eyes and remember your angels with a smile.... I know we'll be together again someday.
So I turned the TV on and gave Nicolas what he wanted. He nursed for maybe 20 minutes and fell asleep again. But he felt so good in my arms so I just sat there cuddling. The puppies were starting to fuss, it was time for them to eat as well (we had 11 puppies a few days before Nick was born) so, still holding Nick, I went out and gave them something to eat and hoped they would settle down fast and go back to sleep. I went back out to the living room and cuddled some more, Nick looking so cute still latched on to my breast, hand over the mole on my left breast that he used as an "On" button to get the milk to flow! LOL
Around 2:30 or 2:45 (somewhere in there), I was starting to fall asleep sitting up in the arm chair so I got up and went back to our bedroom. Again I laid Nicolas down in his cradle and put the flannel blanket by his hand and put a corner of it softly across his belly, then crawled back into bed, wishing for the night I could sleep for three hours in a row.
The next thing I remember is Dayle, my daughter, coming in my room asking if she could watch her favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. I told her it was too early in the morning, thinking it was somewhere around 5am, and asked her to get back in bed for a little while. I rolled over and must have dozed off again because what seemed like seconds later, Dayle came back and asked again if she could watch The Wizard of Oz. I had a really big stretch, revelling in the thought that finally, Nick let me sleep for more than a couple hours and he should be up any second now. I told Dayle to go and put the movie in but to keep it down, I wanted to let her brother sleep as long as possible.
After a few minutes, I started to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and thought I'd better get up, Nick was going to be absolutely STARVING!! I reached over into his cradle to stroke the downy hair on his soft head and he didn't feel right. You all know what comes next, I'm not going to go into gory detail. He was cold. And my nightmare started.
Its been 14 years now. Or it will be in a few hours. Not a day goes by that I don't close my eyes and talk to my son in my head. Very few nights have gone by in the last 14 years that I haven't closed my eyes and wished him a good night, asked him to watch over his sisters and, more recently, his nephew (my first grandchild!). I miss my little man.
I have an amazing life today. Its hard to say that on this particular day. But I really do. I wouldn't be where I am if he had lived. Its a bittersweet thought. Would I trade everything I have now that makes my life so amazing? Just about. Is that selfish? Not really. Because what makes my life so wonderful (most days) are my two daughters, my grandson, my husband. I don't know.
Anyways, I just wanted to tell someone what was going on in my head, in my heart. I don't know what I'm going to do to mark this day yet. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. He'll let me know somehow.
Good Night All. Kiss your husbands/significant others... hold your children, your family, your friends a little tighter... close your eyes and remember your angels with a smile.... I know we'll be together again someday.
Joanne
-- Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Nicolas Charles Kamerman-Darling
Born June 1st, 1994
Died August 8th, 1994
Born June 1st, 1994
Died August 8th, 1994
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